Have a Little Faith
by Persephone.jewels
Summary: Warning: AU. Hiroki is a prostitute with a dark past, struggling to survive. When he is assaulted by a client one day, he is saved by Nowaki. Due to past trauma, he is determined to not let anyone into his heart. Can Nowaki convince him to have a little faith in love? Cameos by the other couples! Rated M for violence and other adult themes.
1. Scars

**Hey guys! So I've always wanted to write an Egoist fanfic, so here it is. Originally, the story was going to be a development of the original plot, but this just popped into my head one day. I apologize if it starts a bit slow, but I will try my best to make it interesting so please have a little faith (see what I did there?) and give it a shot.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica.**

* * *

Hiroki had been wandering the streets for about and hour when he finally found one. A customer. This particular one was a tall man with black hair, obviously drunk out of his mind. Hiroki was quite well known in this area, since he had "served" a lot of its residents. One look from the tall man told him that he was very aware of his reputation. The black-haired man stumbled towards the brunet.

"How much?" he slurred, fighting the effects of the alcohol.

Hiroki informed him of his prices, lowering them considerably since he was positive that he wouldn't run into anyone willing to pay more.

The black-haired man examined his body. "Well, I suppose you'll do."

Hiroki gritted his teeth in irritation, aware that his physique wasn't exactly glorious. However, he put a lot of effort into his work, and although it wasn't something to be proud about, he always felt a need to show off his talents. Together, the two men caught a taxi to the customer's apartment, during which the taller man revealed his name to be Miyagi Yoh. Hiroki introduced himself as Iwasaki Tadao, which was the name he used for his work.

Once the two entered Miyagi's apartment and got down to business, Hiroki tried his best to please the man. He hadn't gotten many offers that day, and he was hoping to maybe earn a couple extra bucks. He exaggerated his moaning, and tried to make it look like he was enjoying himself to the fullest. He even gave him a lap dance (which was very rare... he wasn't a freaking stripper, for god's sake.) Hiroki was relieved that Miyagi didn't have any strange kinks like some of the others he had come across. But he was rough. And had a lot more stamina then most men. But the brunet could keep up. He wasn't new to this, and he had trained himself to go for a long time. After they both released, they lay on the bed, waiting for their breathing to slow. Still panting a bit, Miyagi picked his pants off the floor and dug out a pack of cigarettes.

"Want one?"

Hiroki shook his head and grimaced. "I don't smoke."

Miyagi chuckled. "You're looking at me like smoking is the most repulsive thing in the world, and yet this is what you do to make a living."

"Well, it's worked out so far." Hiroki shrugged. "I should get going."

"Already? Why don't you spend the night?" Miyagi smirked a bit. Hiroki scowled a little, but agreed because it was too depressing to go back to his cheap, ugly apartment.

"Fine," he agreed. He got up to go the bathroom, not bothering to cover himself. Miyagi watched him from behind. _Damn, I need to finish my work. Since when did I find the time to play around with poor bastards like him?_ He got up to grab a pile of papers on the table, and shuffled through them.

Hiroki soon returned and plopped down on to the couch. "If you're a literature professor, then why are you looking for sluts off the street? Surely you can find yourself a girlfriend. Or boyfriend, if you swing that way."

Miyagi stared at him, a bit surprised at his self insult. _Huh, so guys like him really have a low view of themselves. _He sighed. "I was married for a while, but it just turned into a mess. Besides, it's nice to get out sometimes."

The brunet didn't reply. Instead, he just shifted his body so he was comfortable, and closed his eyes. Miyagi got bored of reading through papers, and turned out the light 30 minutes later.

* * *

The next morning, Hiroki woke up early, made himself look decently presentable, and was about to set out in search of breakfast.

"Maybe we'll see each other again," Miyagi said, grinning a bit.

Without responding, the brunet hastily left the apartment. A little part of him was thankful that he was treated so decently, as he recalled some rather unpleasant memories. He had walked away from clients' houses injured, angry, and regretful many times before. Lost in his thoughts, Hiroki ran his fingers over a scar on his wrist, one of many he had acquired over the years of selling his body. He hated them. Not just the scars, but the horny perverts who had made these permanent marks on his skin. He cursed the world under his breath, and entered a family diner. At the corner of his vision, he could've sworn he saw a kid looking at him. Well, maybe not a kid, but he seemed young. Hiroki turned to get a better look at him, but he was gone. _Do I really attract men that well? Even freaking college students are checking me out. _Hiroki shook his head in disgust, and moved on.

That night, he had a nightmare. Nightmares were common, but he never got used to them. This one was no different than the others.

_Hiroki was lying on a cold floor in a dark room. His body ached all over, but he was too tired to try and ease the pain. 'Why am I naked?' he thought. Then he remembered. Everything came flooding back to him. Tentatively, he touched his behind. It felt sore, and there was blood on his hand when he withdrew it. Why was this happening to him? Whatever the answer was, he needed to drink something. His throat was parched, and his tongue was the driest it had ever been. He climbed the stairs, feeling for the door handle. He twisted it, only to find that the door was locked._

_ 'What? I'm trapped!' Hiroki began to panic. He just wanted to go home. Home, where he was safe. 'I have to get out of here!' This thought overran all his others. He shook the door knob violently, kicked at the door, and threw his body against it. Then it hit him. He had nowhere to go. There was no home for him anymore. As reality sank in, Hiroki slowly dropped to the top stair. Tears began forming in his eyes, and he wiped them away, remembering that it was shameful to cry. However, the longer he sat there, the more he wanted to let the tears fall. So he did. He might have cried for minutes, or hours. There was no way to tell. Finally, Hiroki heard the rattle of the door knob from the other side. 'No,' he thought. 'I can't let him get me. Or… he'll… he'll do that to me again!' But he had nowhere to run. The door opened, and a tall figure stood in front of him._

_ "Hiroki," the figure patted Hiroki's head. "Why are you crying?" _

_ "My… body hurts." The young child didn't look up at the other._

_ "Oh, that's too bad. Just let me make it all better." Hiroki felt a hand on his arm. Suddenly, he was being dragged back down into the dark basement. He tried to resist but he couldn't… his body was so sore… and he was so tired… _

_ He caught one last glimpse of light before the door closed, enveloping him in darkness._

Hiroki was shivering. Upon waking from his dream, he found himself drenched in his own sweat, and he was gripping his sheets. He lay there paralyzed, knowing that this fear would subside, but still feeling so afraid at the same time. Eventually, his breathing returned to normal and he was able to move. He rolled over onto his side. _I'm okay. He's not here. I'm perfectly fine. _But he knew he wasn't. And he wouldn't be as long as he lived.

* * *

**A/N: I know some of you guys may be angry that I put Miyagi in here before Nowaki since this is an Egoist fanfic, but Nowaki will come out in the next chapter! I promise guys! Please review/favorite :3**

**~Persephone**


	2. Savior

**Disclaimer: I don't own Junjou Romantica**

* * *

As Hiroki looked around the bar, he spotted a good looking man drinking by himself. He was tall, blond, and looked like he had some European blood in him. Under normal circumstances, Hiroki would've approached any potential customer, but he recognized this one. And there was no way in hell he was going to go home with this bastard again. This guy was a pure sadist. He had not mentioned anything to Hiroki about his BDSM kinks during their negotiation (the prostitution business was actually very elaborate), which pissed Hiroki off to the fullest. He expected all his customers to follow the rules, which meant they had to come clean about what they wanted so they could be charged the right amount. And Hiroki _definitely _did not receive enough for all his services.

_Oh great, he's looking at me. Well, you sick bastard, you better be prepared to pay me fortune if you think I'd even strip for you. I have some dignity left… okay, well maybe not compared to other people, but in this business I will be treated with respect! I earn every single yen through dedication and hard work. _

_Oh shut up, _said another voice in his head. _Dedication and hard work don't exist in this field._

_But this stuff isn't easy… I mean, it takes a lot of commitment... right?_

Hiroki could have kicked himself. Why the hell was he thinking such low thoughts? His occupation was nothing to be proud of. Irritated and slightly embarrassed, he got up to leave. Business had been good that day, so there wasn't any need for him to hang around. He exited the bar into the chilly outdoors. He pulled his jacket tighter around him. It was almost midnight, and the streets were nearly empty. There were only a couple of streetlights to help guide the way. The young man walked slowly, trying not to step on the cracks in the sidewalk. It was a childish thing to do, and maybe a little OCD, but it helped keep his mind off of things.

"Tadao-kun," said a voice behind Hiroki. "Fancy seeing you again."

Hiroki turned around. _Go away, you stupid cheapskate. _"What do you want?"

"Oh, I just want to talk. Or do I have to pay you for that as well?" The taller man laughed, putting his arm around the brunet. Seeing the scowl on Hiroki's face, he laughed even harder. "I'm just teasing. Anyway, I should apologize for ripping you off that night. But we did have such a wonderful time, so can't you just forgive me?"

"I'm already over that. But I have no interest in escorting you again."

"Hmm? But I should at least make it up to you. I'll let you stay over tonight." He smiled an unkind smile, and patted Hiroki's crotch. The smaller man felt his anger boiling. Although he had done many humiliating things in the bedroom, his pride would not let him be taken so easily. Normally, he just charged more to sleep with jerks, but this was different.

"Get the hell away from me," Hiroki hissed, jerking away from the arm around his shoulder. "Don't think I'm going to let you fuck me whenever you ask."

"Oh?" The blond raised an eyebrow. "But that's what you do, isn't it? You're a slut. That's all you're good for."

Hiroki tensed. Those words had been spoken to him before… by the man who ruined his life. "I'm giving you one last chance. Get the fuck away from me." On the inside, he wasn't so confident. He wasn't exactly the strongest person, and he wasn't the healthiest right now either due to his cup ramen diet.

"Or what?" the other slapped Hiroki so hard that he fell to the ground. He kneed the brunet in the face, causing his nose to start bleeding.

Hiroki pressed his sleeve lightly into his nose, trying to stop the flow of blood. He got to his feet, staggered, and fell back down. The next thing he knew, he was being half carried, half dragged down the sidewalk. Still a bit dazed, he could feel his legs scraping against the floor and his pants tearing. His abuser had been saying something the whole time, but he only caught, "Really, Tadao-kun. This could have all been avoided if you had been a good slut in the first place. Well, let's go get your pretty face cleaned up." There was a brief pause. "Then we can do something a bit more worthwhile."

"Fuck… you," gasped Hiroki. His legs felt like they were on fire. He tried to pry the blond's fingers off of him, only to be released for a second and met with a kick to the stomach. He felt his arm being twisted, adding to the amount of discomfort he was feeling.

"Aargh!" The brunet gritted his teeth in pain. His vision was getting fuzzy, but he was determined not to pass out. All he could think about was how mentally deranged this guy was, and the cruelty of humans. There had been a couple cars that drove past, but no one bothered to help him. Maybe they hadn't seen them because of the darkness, but Hiroki felt that wasn't the case. He squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for the snap of a bone and the pain that was sure to follow. Then all of a sudden, the pressure on his arm was gone, leaving just the loss of breath and the throbbing in his head. Hiroki opened his eyes and looked up to see a giant towering above him. From what he could see, the male seemed to be very young, still probably a student. Hiroki's client was on the ground, coughing. The giant kneeled down beside him.

"Why are you assaulting this man?" His eyes were unforgiving.

"What? This is none of your business."

"You're harassing this innocent man. I saw you. You approached him first. Now, I have no intention of hurting you any more than I need to, but please know that I will not hesitate to call the cops."

"Don't get cocky, bastard." The blond swung at the other, missing by a couple inches. The taller man grabbed him by his shirt and threw him against a car. He slugged him in the stomach with all his strength, packing anger into the punch. He pummeled the smaller man continuously until his face was covered with blood and bruised. The student nailed him in the jaw one last time, and watched him fall to the floor.

"I hope you learned something from this," said the giant, standing over the injured man. He crouched down to meet him at eye level and gestured towards Hiroki. "Please don't bother him again."

The blond didn't reply. Instead, he spit in the giant's face, and started hobbling towards his car.

Hiroki looked at the ground in shame, feeling guilty that he witnessed that whole fight without doing anything. He muttered, "Thanks."

"It's no problem." Hiroki's savior wiped the spit off his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"May I ask your name? I'm Kusama Nowaki." The dark haired man smiled.

"Uh... Iwasaki Tadao." Hiroki had meant to tell him his real name, but habit forced him to act otherwise. Besides, normal people didn't go around giving their names to random strangers.

Nowaki helped him off the floor. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Tadao-san. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I gotta go." Hiroki turned to leave. He didn't know why he wasn't being more grateful to the person who had saved him, but he just felt like he needed to be alone. He heard Nowaki calling after him, but he ignored the voice and kept walking. Once he was out of sight, he caught a taxi back to his apartment.

Meanwhile, Nowaki was standing in the very same spot, examining the wallet the brunet left behind. He decided to look for an address so he could return it. Upon searching, he came across his driver's license, which displayed all the general information. What caught Nowaki's eye wasn't the address, but the name.

_Kamijou…Hiroki? _

The student chuckled. _What a cute name. I guess I'll call him Hiro-san from now on._

* * *

Even in the comforts of his own bed, Hiroki felt restless. He was trying to sleep, but he couldn't stop thinking about Nowaki. It had been so dark, but he still remembered his blue eyes. They were so full of kindness and concern. They weren't filled with lust or greediness like so many others Hiroki had seen. In fact, he hadn't seen those kinds of eyes since… his parents. He didn't want to think about them. Or anyone else from his past. Everything was just too painful to remember…

_Hiroki was back in the dark basement. He wore nothing but an oversized shirt he had found in one of the boxes. His body was covered with bruises and scratches. The boy lay curled up on the bed, lacking the energy to cry. He flinched at the sound of the door creaking open, dreading what could happen next. Hiroki's captor descended the steps, entering his field of view. The man carried a glass of water in his hand._

"_Hiroki, I have something for you."_

_The boy hesitantly sat up, eyeing the glass of water. His thirst was threatening to take over, and he desperately needed something to drink. But when he came face-to-face with the man, he was not handed the glass._

_His captor spoke softly. "I'll give you this, in exchange for something else."_

_Hiroki managed to croak out one word. "What?"_

"_You know what I want." As if to give the boy a clue, he licked his lips._

_Hiroki knew all too well what it was, but he felt like his throat would fall apart if he tried. It was already so sore and much too dry. "I-I can't. It hurts too much." He was expecting to be forced into it by some kind of beating or punishment, but there was nothing of the sort. Instead, he received a bone chilling response._

"_I'm sorry, Hiroki. That is not the right answer." The man started to walk away with the glass in hand._

"_Wait, no!" Hiroki cried out hoarsely. But he was ignored. "Please, come back! I'm sorry!"_

_There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs, then the shutting of the basement door. The young teen started to sob. He didn't expect it to be possible since he was so dehydrated, but the tears fell freely. Strangely, there was another sensation too, but he had to focus to figure out what it was. A hand was gently patting his head. Hiroki looked to his left and saw a tall man smiling sympathetically at him. "It's okay. Everything's going to be all right." _

_Although Hiroki had no idea who this stranger was, he felt comforted. It was the first pleasant feeling he had experienced in weeks. So he leaned against the other and cried. It almost felt nice to cry, now that there was someone there with him. When a strong arm wrapped around him, he truly felt like everything was going to be okay._

* * *

When Hiroki woke from his dream, he was surprised. Instead of feeling afraid or being unable to move like ususal, he felt… content. Almost like a normal person waking up on a normal day.

_Wait, was that…? No, it can't be. But it was. That was Nowaki in my dream! Oh damn, I must be going crazy. I don't even know him. He just did me a little favor. That's all. But…it felt nice. His touch._

He mentally slapped himself. _Snap out of it, idiot. And get moving. You have to work today. _And although he was completely aware of this fact, he couldn't help closing his eyes for a minute, recalling the touch of Nowaki's hand.

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys! So here's Nowaki, just like I promised. I hope you guys liked this chapter and please review/favorite!**

**~Persephone**


	3. Just the Beginning

**A/N: Hi everyone! It's Persephone, bringing you some more Egoist! I hope you all enjoy :3**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica.**

* * *

Hiroki couldn't believe it. After all he had experienced the previous night, he thought his bad luck had ran out. But upon waking the next morning, he had discovered that his wallet was missing, and it was full of so many valuable things. It contained his information, his credit cards, and a lot of his earnings in cash. The only likely explanation was that it fell out of his coat during the assault, unless someone stole it. In that case, Hiroki was determined to hunt down and murder the culprit.

He paced back and forth across his living room, debating the best way to handle the situation. His thoughts were interrupted by a light knocking at his door.

"Coming," he called. Hiroki opened the door, and he was surprised to see the person standing in front of him.

"Sorry to intrude." Nowaki gave the brunet a kind smile. "I thought you might want this."

Hiroki deemed this man to be full of surprises as he was handed his wallet. Although he didn't show it, he was extremely relieved to see it in the hands of Nowaki and not some other untrustworthy stranger. "Oh thank god," he said, opening it up. Then his expression changed from thankful to suspicious.

"Ah, I didn't take any money," Nowaki reassured, reading Hiroki's mind. "I did look through it though, to find your address so I could return it to you. I only read your driver's license. Nothing else. I promise, Hiro-san."

A bit shocked by the new nickname, Hiroki nodded. Of couse he would know his real name if he saw his driver's license. "I wasn't accusing you of anything. Anyway, thanks for this. If that's all, then you can get going."

"Um, Hiro-san…"

"What?"

Nowaki looked sheepish. "Uh, I understand that this is rude, but… you're an… escort, right?"

Hiroki frowned. "You don't have to put it nicely. Call it what you want. A prostitute, whore, hooker, whatever. Most people like "slut." And yeah, I am one. So what?"

Before the dark-haired man could answer, Hiroki started again.

"Oh, I get it now. You saved me from that guy and found my wallet for me, so now you want to fuck me for free, is that it? I should've known. Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't make deals like that. How about I blow you for half price and we'll call it even?"

The reaction following those words was not what Hiroki expected at all.

"Hiro san, that's not what I was going to say! Please don't assume things about me!" Nowaki looked offeneded.

"I saved you because I couldn't bear to see you be taken away by that man. And finding your wallet was entirely a coincidence. I would never take money that didn't belong to me, especially from someone who needs it as much as you do. I would never want to make you upset, and I would definitely never ask for sex in return for my actions. So please, do not think of me in that way!"

There was silence. Then Hiroki started to laugh. "Is that what I look like to the rest of the world? Some poor slut who needs help just so he can continue fucking for money? Well, I don't need your pity. I don't need anyone's. Now, if you're done, you can go brag to someone else about what a saint you are."

Nowaki balled his hands into fists. 'That's not true," he said, more calmly. He looked down at his feet. "To be honest, I've known who you were for a while. You were always with a different guy each time I saw you. The bar that you visit often is on the same route I take to get home from my part time job, so that's where I usually saw you."

He took a deep breath, and continued," That's also how I happened to see you getting assaulted yesterday night. And I know this seems creepy, but I was also watching you at the family restaurant a couple days ago."

A look of recognition crossed Hiroki's face.

"Anyway," said the younger male, "I don't think that way about you and I'm not looking down on you in any way. From what I can tell, you've been through a lot and you've had to work hard to survive. If anything, I admire you for that. Like I said before, I saved you because I couldn't stand watching you be hurt like that."

"So…" Hiroki rubbed the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed. "What exactly are you saying? I mean, I don't really know how to reply to that…"

Nowaki looked down again, seeming to have lost his words. "I-I'm not sure. I think… what I'm trying to say is…" he faltered. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you exactly what I mean. I understand that this is as weird as it is, considering we just met."

An awkward silence filled the air. The two men avoided looking at each other, both unsure what to do. After what seemed like ages, Hiroki finally spoke. "Uh, I want to- I mean, I should, repay you somehow…for everything. I mean, well, I don't like owing people… so it'd be bothersome if this was on my mind all the time."

Nowaki's face lit up. "Really, Hiro-san? That's great! In fact, there is something I'd like, if it's okay with you."

"Okay, but nothing too expensive-"

"Hiro san." Blue eyes were sparkling as they looked down at Hiroki. "Please go on a date with me."

For the third time, a silence filled the air.

"Hiro-san?" Nowaki was trying to read the brunet's expression.

"S-sorry, say that again?"

"I want you…to go on a date with me."

Hiroki forced a chuckle. "Come on, be serious. You've gotta be kidding me."

"I am being serious. Do you think I would joke about this?"

_Yes, _Hiroki thought. He was still half expecting Nowaki to say something like "Just kidding, let's fuck!" and stick his hand down his pants, but the giant made no such move. After much thought, he sighed and agreed, "Sure, why not?"

"Great!" Nowaki looked like a child who just won a prize at a fair. "I'll treat you to dinner tonight. Please meet me at the family restaurant at 7."

"Wait, shouldn't I be paying-"

"It's not necessary. Just the fact that you're coming is good enough for me." He smiled a dazzling smile.

"Uh, okay. I-I'll see you then." Hiroki shut the door before he could be caught blushing. Once inside, he plopped down onto his couch and rested his head on his hands.

_This is such a bad idea. This kid is completely insane. He wants to take me on a date? No one's ever asked me that before. Ugh, whatever. I'll just have dinner with him and that'll be it. _

He leaned back on the couch and turned on the T.V. There was some romance drama on where a boy and a girl were falling in love at first sight, and the brunet didn't hesitate to change the channel. He never cared for theses stupid shows that gave people false impressions about life. As Hiroki stared at some documentary film, he couldn't help thinking how unrealistic Nowaki saving him was. It was basically a scene right out of a movie. He sighed as he wondered when he became so degraded.

* * *

Hiroki stood outside the restaurant, glancing at his watch every now and then. He had been waiting for fifteen minutes, but there was still no sign of Nowaki.

_Well of course he's not here yet, _said the condescending voice in his head. _What kind of idiot shows up early for a date with a guy he barely knows?_

The chestnut haired man sighed. He could vaguely remember being early for everything as a kid. Not that his childhood was something he wanted to remember. He looked at his watch again. It was only 6:18.

Suddenly, a frightening thought occurred to him. He realized that he didn't even know what to expect on a date. He had never been on one before, and he highly doubted that the ones depicted on dramas were accurate. Was there supposed to be sex after a date? Or did it just stop at a kiss? Or did it not even get to a kiss? As he asked himself a bunch of questions, he failed to notice Nowaki approaching him until he was tapped on the shoulder.

"Hiro san." Nowaki flashed him a smile. "You're early."

"Huh?" Hiroki took in the situation. "Oh, yeah. I was thinking that if we finish early, there might be time for me to fit in a customer." This was a lie of course. He just hadn't known what to do with himself, so he ended up coming an hour early.

Nowaki frowned a bit at this, but cheered up just as quickly. "Thank you for coming anyway."

Upon entering the restaurant, the first thing Hiroki looked for was any sign of a client. He didn't want any of them thinking Nowaki was his boyfriend and that he was no longer in the business. That would have caused a lot of trouble for him, since he sometimes depended on his regulars the most at times.

Relief washed over Hiroki's face as he realized that everyone in the room was an unfamiliar face, except for one of the waitresses who recognized him due to his frequent visits. She smiled at him and waved before attending to a man whose glass needed refilling. Of course, she wasn't aware of his occupation.

The two men sat down and ordered their food. As they waited, an awkward silence filled the air, and neither attempted to do something about it. After a while of pretending to be interested in his water, Nowaki spoke up. "There's no need to feel uncomfortable around me, Hiro-san. You can speak what's on your mind, or ask me anything you'd like to." He smiled politely.

For some reason, this caused Hiroki to feel even more uncomfortable. He desperately racked his mind for something to ask him. "Uh… how- how old are you?"

_Gosh, that was so lame, _he thought, mentally slapping himself.

But Nowaki's smile only grew wider at this question. "I'm 21. And you?"

"25." {1} Hiroki was a bit surprised at their 4-year age gap. "So you're still a student?"

"Yes. I'm planning to attend medical school after I graduate university. I want to become a pediatrician."

"Oh, is that so." Hiroki couldn't help adding the next sentence. "Then shouldn't you be home studying?"

"Ah, not necessarily. I don't have to work today, so I have some free time later tonight."

"Oh…I see."

Nowaki looked like he was dying to say something, but he just went back to admiring his glass of water.

"What's wrong?" Hiroki studied the other curiously. "You can ask me something too, you know. Really, anything."

"Well, if it's really okay, then I was just wondering how you got into this business." Each word was spoken cautiously.

"My parents kicked me out of the house when I was young, then some things happened… and here I am, trying to make a living." He left out the most important part, which he had no intention of revealing to anyone.

It was obvious that the taller man wanted to know more, but he didn't pry any further.

Instead, he saved the conversation with another question. "So what were you like when you were a kid?"

"What? Like what did I like to do?"

Nowaki nodded.

"Uh… I liked to read a lot. I was always busy with other things, so reading kinda helped me get away from everything."

"Oh, that's great! Acutally, if you still feel the same way, then I have something for you," said Nowaki as he fished around in his bag for something. He dug out a book with a pretty blue cover and handed it to Hiroki. "I think you'll enjoy this. The author is quite popular, and he's recently won an award for this. I read it a while ago, and I was going to lend it to another friend, but I don't mind if you have it first."

Hiroki looked at the title, then the author's name. At first, he didn't think much of it, but a whole mix of emotions came crashing down when he did a double take.

_Usami… Akihiko!? No way! It can't be the same person…_

His heart dropped when he flipped over the book and saw the picture. Of course, he was a lot older now, but he was definitely the same person that Hiroki had known.

"Akihiko…" he said softly, tracing the picture with his fingers.

"Eh? You've heard of him?"

Nowaki's voice brought him back to reality. "Um, yeah. I guess you can say that. Anyway, you really don't mind if I borrow this?"

"Not at all. Ah, look. Our food's here."

The two ate in silence for a while, looking out the window and watching people walk by. At one point, a girl about 20 years old caught them watching her, and she gave Nowaki a curious look. She seemed to be trying to get a better look at him, but she just shook her head and walked on.

"That was weird." Hiroki took a sip from his glass.

"Actually, I think she was trying to remember who I was." Nowaki was still looking out the window. "You see, she was one of the kids at the orphanage. I was older than most of the kids, so I took care of them often. She was really young at the time, and she used to cry a lot. I always felt bad for her. But she's quite pretty now, isn't she?"

"Wait," said Hiroki as he met Nowaki's eyes. "You were an orphan?"

"Yes. The day they took me in, there was a typhoon. So that's how I got my name."

"Oh…"

"It's really not a big deal. Anyway, that's enough about me. I want to know more about Hiro-san."

So for the next couple hours, the two chatted on about various things, mostly just their likes and dislikes. Nowaki was careful not to ask Hiroki any questions concerning his job, but treated him like a normal person who was able to hold a decent conversation. From the outside, they looked like two friends having a jolly old chat.

Once it was time to leave, Nowaki paid the bill and offered to walk Hiroki back home. The brunet agreed, and the two of them walked back to Hiroki's apartment together. The conversation had completely died out by the time they reached the door, and the two stood there awkwardly as the cold air nipped at them.

"Thank you for tonight, Hiro-san," said Nowaki, looking quite pleased.

Hiroki scoffed. "Whatever. I just want to know one more thing."

"Sure, anything."

"Why did you ask me out in the first place? I mean, we don't know each other… and you paid for dinner too."

"Because," Nowaki stood directly face-to-face with Hiroki, forcing him to make eye contact. "Hiro-san is cute."

Hiroki was about to protest that a man could not be "cute," when Nowaki took a step forward, lifted Hiroki's chin, and kissed him. The kiss wasn't long, it wasn't overly passionate, but it was gentle with just the right amount of sweetness.

Before running off, Nowaki smiled and said, "I look forward to seeing you again."

By the time Hiroki came back to reality, he was alone and shivering from the cold. He fumbled with his keys until he got it to fit it into the lock and rushed inside.

He could almost feel Nowaki's lips on his own as he recalled what happened a minute ago, and he hated himself for blushing.

_Damn it, why am I thinking like a high school girl who just got her first kiss? That kid is completely insane. I'm cute? He can't wait to see me again? I don't have any intention of meeting him ever again! _

Then Hiroki noticed the book he was still holding, and dropped it on his table like it was something poisonous.

_Of course. He'll have to come back to get the book. That sly bastard._

He stood there examining it, but couldn't resist in the end. Usami Akihiko stared at him from the back cover, and Hiroki couldn't help feeling proud at the fact that he was able to become such a successful author.

_I really wish you were here with me, Akihiko. _

With that thought in mind, Hiroki grabbed the book, seated himself on the couch, and opened it to the first page.

* * *

**{1} I know that the ages are different in the anime, but I purposely made it this way so please don't think I got my facts wrong. **

**Putting that aside, the next chapter will be all about Hiroki's past, just to give you guys and idea of how everything started. I got tired of putting everything in his dreams so I just decided to make a separate chapter. **

**Thank you for reading and please review! I love you all.**

**~Persephone**


	4. Loving a Friend, Losing a Friend

**A/N: Hey everyone! So this whole chapter is about Hiroki's past, and it explains most of how he came to be the way he is. As you guys probably know from watching the anime or reading the manga, Hiroki and Akihiko met when they were 10, but this is starting 2 years later at the age of 12. Okay, now that we've got that cleared up, let's get on with the story and please enjoy!**

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica.

"Akihiko-sama!" Where are you?" Tanaka, the Usami family butler was on his daily Akihiko hunt. He had learned a long time ago that it was pointless from his failed previous searches, but he felt that he had to try. As he trudged through the woods, the trees seemed to get larger and thicker, as if they were made for the purpose of concealing the young master.

Tanaka sighed. He had always felt sympathetic towards Akihiko, but he was growing tired of chasing him down all the time. However, he felt a little at ease when he reminded himself that Akihiko was happy around Hiroki, and pretty much only around Hiroki. With this thought in mind, he turned back towards the house, stumbling over a tree root as he did so.

Meanwhile, the two culprits were enjoying the peacefulness of their "secret base," a place they both held close to their hearts. Over the past two years, the boys had gotten so fond of each other that they had invented a series of excuses that would allow them to get together as much as possible. Although everyone would agree that they cared greatly for one another, the feelings were much stronger on one side of the friendship.

Hiroki was absolutely in love with Akihiko.

It had started 2 years ago after their first kiss. At the time, Hiroki was so overwhelmed by the different emotions he was feeling plus the stress he was getting from his numerous activities, but after taking some time to figure things out, he had made up his mind. He still felt strange about it since he'd been brought up as a straight boy, but he was so smitten with Akihiko that he couldn't look him in the eye sometimes without blushing.

Cautiously, Hiroki looked over at his friend, wondering if he felt the same way.

_After all, he's the one who kissed me first. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be feeling this way at all. Damn, my heart is skipping just from looking at him! Am I really a... one of those people? My parents always said they were "not right" and love between two people of the same gender is wrong… but maybe I like girls too and I just haven't had the chance to-_

"Hiroki, what's the matter?"

Akihiko's voice pulled him back to reality. "What?" He realized that he had been staring at him the whole time. "N-nothing. There was a bug on you a second ago. It's gone now."

"Ah, okay." He looked back down at his notebook and continued writing.

Hiroki tried to ignore the racing of his heart and turned his attention to his book. As always, reading helped calm him and he was lost in the words within minutes. In the middle of a particularly long paragraph, he felt something on his forehead. He looked up and felt it again, this time in his eye. Cold rain drops were falling steadily, disabling his sight for a few seconds.

"Akihiko, it's raining!" Hiroki put his book over his head to shield himself.

"Huh?" Violet eyes looked up. "Oh." He had been so immersed in his writing that he had failed to notice the rain. "Can we go to your house?"

"Why mine?" The rain was beginning to fall harder.

"Oh… I just… never mind…"

As soon as Hiroki saw his friend's expression grow sad, he immediately felt guilty. He knew Akihiko didn't get along with his family so why would he ask that question? "No, you're right. Come on, let's hurry."

The boys sprinted as fast as their legs could carry them along with their baggage, but still ended up close to drenched by the time they reached Hiroki's house. Hiroki's mother greeted them at the door, not at all surprised to see Akihiko as well.

"Akhiko!" She hugged him warmly. "I assume you'll be staying over tonight?"

"Um…" Akhiko looked to Hiroki for help.

"Yeah, he is." Hiroki spoke confidently, nodding.

Once they were inside the house, the woman sent them straight into the bathroom to dry off.

"Hiroki, I hope I'm not imposing too much," said Akihiko as he grabbed a towel.

The brunet shook some water out of his hair. "You're not. I know you don't get along with your family. You can come here anytime you want." He hoped this would make up for his earlier display of insensitivity.

"Thanks. You're a good friend." Akihiko smiled at him.

"W-whatever," Hiroki replied, looking down at the floor. "You'd do the same for me and I don't want you to be stuck at home where you're just going to get stressed."

"Mmhmm. Well then, I'll be using your shower."

"Okay, I'll get you some clean clothes to wear. Just wait here and I'll be right- what the heck are you doing?!"

"What?" Akihiko had stripped himself completely and was standing before Hiroki stark naked.

"You can't just…do that!"

"Why not? We're both guys and you never minded before."

"But t-that was before. And this is now." A blush was beginning to spread across his cheeks.

"Well, what's different now?" Akihiko put a towel around his waist to ease his friend.

"Uh, well, I don't know…"

"Hm? Am I really that much larger?"

"Don't say it out loud!" Hiroki's face grew redder. "Whatever, just wait here." He exited the bathroom and made his way to the bedroom. He grabbed some clothes that were a bit larger on him (Akihiko had grown considerably in the last two years) and waited a moment before facing his friend. Once his breath slowed a bit and he decided he looked decently presentable, he opened the door. To his relief, the towel was still in place, preventing any provocative images.

"Thanks," said Akihiko as Hiroki placed the clothes on the counter.

The other nodded in response, avoiding eye contact. "After you're done, come down for dinner." He quickly turned to walk out.

"Hiroki." The voice was calm but firm.

"Yeah?" The figure spun back around.

There was silence. Akihiko seemed to be thinking hard about something. "It's nothing."

"Um, okay. I'll see you in a few." The smaller boy left the room before he could see any unnecessary body parts again.

After showers for both the boys, a satisfying dinner, and a heated discussion about a book they had read recently, the boys were lying on their futons, both unable to sleep. Hiroki was about to break the silence, but it was Akihiko who spoke first.

"Would you do me a favor?"

Hiroki turned on his side so he could look at him, although he couldn't see very well in the dark.

He said softly, "Of course."

"Could I stay here for the rest of this week? I can go back to my house tomorrow and pack my stuff, and I promise I won't stay past Sunday."

"Well, I'd have to ask my parents, but I'm definitely okay with it." The question came as a surprise, and though he didn't show it, Hiroki was extremely happy about this proposal.

"Okay, cool." Akihiko's smile could almost be felt through the darkness. "Good night."

Hiroki whispered back, "Night."

True to his word, Akihiko went home the next morning, picked up his things, and rushed back to Hiroki's all under half an hour. Much to Hiroki's surprise, his parents gave their consent without argument. And just like that, the best week of his life began.

Like usual, Akihiko didn't say much and he was a bit difficult to figure out at times, Hiroki never got tired of being around him. Just the fact that he was there was enough. From this one week together, it only became clearer to him how much he loved Akihiko. He loved his silver hair that shined under the sun, those silky locks that always had a glow about them even without the presence of light. He loved his eyes, which were such a captivating color that Hiroki had a hard time looking at. He loved his pale skin that made his whole body seem more angelic and contributed to his overall "whiteness."

Very clearly, he still remembered the time when the two were hiding from Tanaka shortly after they had met. That was the first time that Hiroki had discovered how Akihiko was exactly like the color white. It seemed to describe him perfectly. Even after two years, that part of him had not disappeared with age. Hiroki often found himself staring at the lips that had touched his own that day when he had been crying. Looking back at the incident, it was quite unbelievable that he had gotten the chance to kiss such perfect lips.

Since they were on break from school that week, the boys had so much time to themselves that they pretty much spent every moment together. Of course, Hiroki's heart still pounded like crazy whenever he was in Akihiko's presence, but he decided that he wasn't going to let his feelings to get in the way of this perfect week. For the first time in a long while, both felt truly happy. However, nothing lasts forever and the week came to an end just like any other. It had been agreed that Akihiko would be allowed to stay the last night and he would leave Monday morning. Sunday night, the two sat in Hiroki's room. One was reading, one was writing just like usual.

At around 11:30, the latter got up and grabbed a bag that Hiroki had not even noticed he had brought with him. From the bag, large hands (well, larger than Hiroki's) dug out a collection of notebooks which he then placed in front of the chocolate-haired boy. "These are for you."

"Huh?" But these are the stories you wrote."

"I know. I want you to have them."

"Why? I can just read them anytime. There's no point in me keeping them."

"Hiroki… please. Just take them."

"But these are yours. You wrote them. You were so against letting anyone read them before, and now you want me to have them? Jeez, you're weird."

Akihiko's expression was filled with sadness. "It's because it's you."

"What a cheesy line. Just like something out of a movie."

"Hiroki." The serious tone caused the brunet to look up into Akihiko's eyes.

"What?"

"This… is the last time we'll see each other."

A pause.

"For a while, at least."

Hiroki did his signature what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about laugh. "What do you mean?"

"I'm moving back to England tomorrow. I have a plane to catch at 9 in the morning."

"Stop kidding around." But one look at Akihiko's face confirmed that he was dead serious. But Hiroki refused to believe it. "That's not funny."

"It's not," Akihiko agreed. "But it's true."

"Stop it." Hiroki's voice grew aggressive.

"I'm sorry. I want you to know what a good friend you've been-"

"Stop!"

"And I really hope that we'll see each other again one day-"

"Shut up!"

"I'm going to miss you. I really am."

"Akihiko!" Hiroki was close to tears. He was feeling sad, angry, and scared all at once. It wasn't possible. It was something that he never would have imagined happening.

"I'm sorry." The words came as a soft whisper.

The crumbling figure swallowed hard, and let out a shaky sob. "Why?"

"Mostly because of my dad's work. But he thinks it's better for me and my brother to continue our education back in England. And we can just get private tutors for anything we're missing here."

There was another sob in response.

"We can still write to each other." Akihiko offered a small smile.

"I-it's not the same." With these words, the tears came flowing down Hiroki's cheeks, accompanied by choking noises and sobs.

"Hiroki." Gently, Akihiko knelt beside his friend and embraced him. He didn't make any other move.

They remained there for what seemed like an eternity but still not enough time, embracing without words.

Hiroki could then feel everything; the very essence of Akihiko. He smelled his shampoo, he felt his soft skin, and most importantly, he shared his sadness. He wondered why those violet eyes never shed any tears. Maybe crying was just non-existent in his world.

It was impossible for Hiroki to think of everything he wanted to tell Akihiko. He felt grateful for him being there, he felt sad that their time was cut so short, and he so desperately wanted to tell him the three words he had been saving for some other day.

He wasn't sure when, but he fell asleep some time during their silent embrace, although he was going to stay up all night with Akihiko.

The last words he heard before drifting off were, "Thank you."

* * *

The sun cast its rays harshly on the sleeping boy who was comfortably tucked in under a blanket, snoring softly. Perhaps it was a good thing that he awoke at this point, or he wouldn't have made it in time.

It did not take Hiroki much effort to recall the events from the previous night, and he threw off the covers and sat up as soon as he gathered his thoughts. There was no sign of his silver haired friend, which caused him to fear the worst. The notebooks that had been transferred over to him were stacked in a neat pile against the wall.

_Don't tell me… he's gone already? Oh no. What time is it? I need to talk to him. I haven't said a proper goodbye! _

He rushed to the kitchen, where his mother was making breakfast. "Are they gone?"

"Who, the Usamis? I think they're about to leave the house right now…"

Hiroki was out the door before the sentence was finished. He pushed himself to run faster, not caring if his legs were disintegrating or if his lungs were shriveling up. As the gigantic Usami mansion came into view, he could also spot something else. A large black car was in front of the house, with Tanaka hauling suitcases into the trunk.

Breathlessly, he yelled Akihiko's name, almost running straight into the car. He pounded on the window, until shocked violet eyes met his own. Next to him was a serious looking boy, who Hiroki guessed was his brother. In the front seat, Usami Fuyuhiko sat with an amused expression. Akihiko stepped out of the car, and gave Hiroki a questioning look.

"I…I never said goodbye."

Akihiko smiled. "I know. But you were sleeping so peacefully I couldn't wake you. I left you a note on your desk though."

"Can we talk, over there?" Hiroki pointed in the direction of the woods. The woods that the two boys knew so well.

"Yeah." A request for permission wasn't even offered to the father.

Only when they were completely out of sight did Hiroki start to speak.

"Um…I'm…really going to miss you. And you're always going to be my best friend, because I'm never going to let anyone take your place. Promise me you'll write."

Akihiko nodded. "I promise."

"So… this is goodbye, then."

"I guess it is."

Hiroki did something then, something bold but deserving. He leaned over, pressed his lips to Akihiko's, and closed his eyes. Whatever the other's reactopm was, he didn't care. He was only aware of one thing at that moment.

The kiss felt wonderful.

Hiroki wasn't aware of how long it lasted, or if he was any good at it. The next thing he knew, he was standing alone in front of the Usami residence, watching the car drive away. For some reason, he felt content. Maybe it was the kiss, or maybe he had just accepted everything. But this feeling would not prepare him for the events to come

Someone had witnessed the whole thing.

That day, the first thing he did once he returned to the house was read the note that had been left for him. It went like this:

_Hiroki, I know we haven't gotten to say a proper goodbye, but I couldn't wake you. And I don't think I can stand seeing you get upset again. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, but I only found out about it last week from my dad. So I wanted to spend much time with you as possible, but I had no idea how sad you'd be about it. Looks like you're still the same crybaby from two years ago. Anyway, it's been really fun. I probably won't be coming back to Japan until university, or maybe even later than that. I look forward to seeing you later, when we're both grown up and successful. You'll be a literature professor or something, right? Good luck._

Hiroki couldn't help smiling to himself. Even in a farewell letter, Akihiko couldn't write something a little sappy. Even so, the words made Hiroki feel a bit more content. Next, he picked up the pile of notebooks that sat on his floor and placed them on his desk. He opened one up and started to read. And he kept reading until he noticed someone watching him from the doorway. It was his mother.

"Are you okay?"

Hiroki could've been imagining it, but she didn't sound very sorry to him. "I'm fine." He flipped the page. "You knew, didn't you? About him going away. That's why you let him stay over."

"Yes, Hiroki. I knew. Tanaka-san informed me a couple weeks ago."

He nodded. "I'm going to write to him."

And he did. He wrote many letters over the next couple months, but not all of them were sent. The ones that were written for sending contained casual questions about Akihiko's life, such as "How's England?" and "How's everything at school?" Hiroki had no intention of sending the others, and they contained his true feelings. Writing them was a way for him to express his feelings without actually revealing them. They were confessions that never reached Europe, but they were eventually discovered by someone else.

On a hot day in July, a middle aged woman happened to walk past her son's room and found a cluster of clothes and objects masking the floor. This surprised her, since he was usually very neat with his things. She stepped inside and picked up some books that were lying broken on a chair. While placing them in a pile on the desk, a piece of paper caught her eye. It was a half finished letter. The woman stole a quick glance at it, but that was all that was necessary for her to see the three words that stopped her heart. The letter so far, read:

_Akihiko,_

_I miss you so much I can barely stand it. School is boring without you. Everything is boring without you. I never got to say this in person, but I love you. Hopefully, I can visit you in England one day, or maybe you'll come back and we can see each other again._

She stood horrified at the words before her. Coincidentally, Hiroki and his father arrived home at that moment. The boy, having just come from a swim lesson, had a light chlorine scent about him. The two males heard footsteps, then a figure emerged into their view. She stood with her arms crossed, clearly displeased about something.

"Mom?" Hiroki waved nervously.

But the woman wasn't one to beat around the bush. "Tell me, Hiroki." She spoke in a dangerously calm voice. "Where did I go wrong in raising you?"

"Huh?"

She turned to her husband. "It's true. What I told you about a couple months ago. I was right."

The father understood immediately. He addressed his son. "Answer me honestly. Are you in love with Akihiko?"

Hiroki's eyes widened in surprise. "What? How did you…"

"The letter. In your room." His mother spoke again. "I was hoping it wasn't true. Even after that kiss, I still hoped. But now I see that I was foolish."

"No, it's not what it looks like," the boy said pathetically.

"Then what is it? Are you still going to say that you're not… one of them?!" She was furious now. Uncrossing her arms, she crossed the room to where Hiroki stood. "You have feelings for him, don't you?"

"Mom, please." He was begging.

She slapped her son across the face. "If you can't answer that, then answer my first question. Where did I go wrong in raising you? Why are you like this now?!"

Hiroki was crying now. "I-I'm sorry. Why did you look through my stuff anyway?" He was slapped again. His cheek stung from the blow and his eyes stung from the tears. "I'm so sorry!"

"Go to your room. I don't want to see your face right now."

Bowing his head, the boy rushed into his room. He wasn't angry at his mother or his father. He was angry at himself. Deep inside, he knew he shouldn't have been so careless as to let all his stuff lying out in the open. His mother had seen the two things he would never want her to see. Him kissing another boy, and his confession for another boy. Why had he ever thought it would ever work out between him and Akihiko? Surely, Akihiko's parents wouldn't approve, and his own parents were extreme homophobes.

Trembling with at least ten different emotions, Hiroki snatched the letter off his desk and crumpled it up. He threw it into the wastebasket, before grabbing all the other confessions he had written previously and doing the same to them. Despite his actions, he still knew that he had feelings for Akihiko and they would probably stay with him for a long time. For the rest of that day, Hiroki stayed in his room, not even bothering to eat dinner. The only thing he did that required leaving his sanctuary was washing up and brushing his teeth before bed. After that, he just crawled under his covers and cried himself to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize that this chapter took so long, and it's not even the full explanation. Part of the reason was because I lost my notebook with all my ideas and I still can't find it, but I managed to finish this one. It just ended up getting really long, so I will fill the rest in some other time. But school does start in a couple days so uploads will not be very frequent. Again, I'm really sorry. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter anyway, and please review!**

**~Persephone**


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